This was meant to be an article about self-esteem, but it turned out to be about me dancing round my bedroom this morning.
What I have noticed, and told a friend recently is that, my thoughts and moods change all the time. I meditate, and this helps me to see that, my thoughts are temporary, like the weather. This helps me to build my own self-esteem and confidence, because, if a thought I don’t like whizzes through my mind, within the speed of light, another, more positive one will come along just as soon.
Like I told another friend the other night over a glass of wine, when I am feeling bad sometimes, I look in the mirror and I think I am ugly. I think I look old, and wrinkly. I think I look horrible. I do not like myself. But, on good days, I think ‘oh, I am pretty’, I think I am beautiful, I think I look young and vibrant, and I feel happy. I find it almost comic that I can think complete opposite things about the same face. I have stood in front of the mirror and tried to work out, ‘am I pretty?’
I take both lightly. Like I said, women are more than beautiful.
And it was this morning, in a moment of insight when I was strutting around my room, dancing to RnB, that I realised, no one can choose for me whether they think I am beautiful or not.
Not the last guy who rejected me and I wondered a thousand times over what might have been wrong with my physical appearance, or the last magazine cover I saw, not the adverts, or the catty girl from school that you never quite forgave for her hurtful comments… Only I can choose. It’s only MY opinion that matters.
We are sold this lie, over and over again, that what others think of our beauty, our ‘perfection’, is the most important thing.
I have told myself this lie, too. I have told myself that I was unlovable, that I am ugly compared to the models, that I should eat less … so I can BE that perfection that I crave, but as I worry more, the less ‘perfect’ I feel and become.
And now, I can see the truth; my truth. I saw it staring back at me in those sparkling, shining eyes this morning. The eyes that said for the very first time: ‘I love you’.
This was my new beginning.
This was meant to be an article about self-esteem. About whether women have lower self-esteem than men. And the other articles I have read, say yes. But I say, we are just finding a different way. Our own way.
The only way a plant can grow, is through the dark soil. And we cannot always see that seed. So it may not look like women have high self-esteem. But just wait, because every woman, no matter what she thinks about herself right now, does, internally, have high self-esteem. Just as a seed has a whole oak tree within.
And we all know instinctively, that’s who she really is.
Is laughing and breathing, and feeling strong, passionate, confident and proud.
Look at Maya Angelou’s poem, and you see that all women already have huge amounts of self-esteem and confidence.
They’re just working through some things, just like me.
“I am a woman, phenomenally; phenomenal woman, all you women, and me.”
Maya Angelou, Phenomenal Woman